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The diary of a New York love-seeking doll
By Stephanie Klein (Independent)
Updated: 2004-07-29 09:20 April 24
Dating clichés
My father's wife invited a lawyer to their home to negotiate her parents'
wills. On the somber occasion, along with the cookies and coffee, maybe some
huggy bear tea, she offered him Debbie. "She's single, and fabulous, and here's
her most flattering, misleading photo. She's really older and fatter, and that
lighting is a god-send." OK, that might have been her inner monologue. Debbie
and lawyer actually met. Lawyer is smitten. Lawyer sends flowers... to my
father's house. "Thank you for introducing me to such a fantastic woman." Now
that, dear reader, is Klass.
I'm about to hit a sore note. I'm sure of it. If you're in a relationship
with a woman, you're probably not doing enough. Let's face it. You're too damn
complacent and comfortable. You stopped doing the half-stand bit when she
excused herself from the table after she told you she loved you. You're a cliché
now, pal. You don't send her flowers anymore. That's right, worse than a cliché,
you're now a Barbra Streisand song. And believe me, SEND is the key word. And if
you're courting a woman, lean in close, you should do just that. This whole
aloof nonsense is just plain silly. Here's a tip. If a woman likes you, it
doesn't matter when you call... she's diggin' you either way... um, unless you
wait too long. Then it's don't waste my time you player, and yes, I do hate the
player, not the game. Be original, 'cause we've all seen Swingers by now... And
two e-mails and an IM do NOT equal a phone call. Just so ya know.
OK, that's all the inside info I can give you tonight... or else I'll have
authorities after me. Cause you know we're a sisterhood, operating behind a big
velvet curtain. It's not OZ; it's NYC baby. And you're here... at least for the
moment. Oh and ladies, you're not off the hook either. See as good as sex is, a
blowjob is courting. So grab a pillow and get on your knees. Well, only if the
flowers are forthcoming...
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