As the mother of three girls, my home is constantly awash in a sea of Barbie dresses, princess magazines and other assorted “girl paraphernalia”. I sometimes even lovingly refer to the three of them as my “princess team”. When my princess team and I head out on the town, we often encounter exclamations of “How beautiful!” “The eldest/middle/youngest is the prettiest!” or “They all are good looking!” before we even exit our building’s elevator.

Kim Lee

I’m well aware that these comments are just friendly small talk, and of course they are meant as compliments. But I am equally aware that daily doses of small talk can have a big impact on developing young minds. As a teacher, over the years, I’ve met many miserable students worn down by constant comparisons and comments on their appearance. The frustrations of these young women are amplified in a society where height, weight and photos are mandatory job application requirements, and female judges, police officers, doctors and even astronauts are awarded with the primary honorific of “most beautiful” judge, police officer, etc. Naturally, I sometimes worry that my efforts to raise girls who focus more on their ability than their appearance will be thwarted. Of course it is disingenuous to pretend that appearance doesn’t matter at all in a world where first impressions count, and self-confidence is tied to having a positive self- image. However, the message that our appearance is the most important aspect of our entire being is a message that I heartily reject.

Some mothers I know tackle this issue by banning Barbies, fashion magazines and Disney princess movies from their homes altogether in an attempt to create a less appearance-obsessed environment. Others attempt to “correct” bewildered compliment-givers with varied amounts of success.

I tend to believe that the appeal of something grows in direct proportion to the zealousness with which it is forbidden, so I don’t discourage my girls from playing with Barbies or dressing up in my high heels. Instead, I try to expose them to other types of toys, more female role models and wider variety of shoes that they might one day fill in addition to Barbie’s pointy pink plastic ones. We’ve even fashioned some DIY tin-foil moonboots for Barbie herself, giving her a much-needed break from those tiny high heels and a push toward vistas unknown.

As for handling those well-meaning, but nonetheless damaging, “appearance appraisals” we encounter in the elevator and elsewhere, I have my own approach.

I have taught my daughters to always respond to compliments with polite acknowledgement, but as soon as the compliment giver is out of earshot, I quickly follow up with a reminder that “What you do is more important than what you look like,” or, “Which is more important, having a beautiful face or doing beautiful things?” When it comes to teaching values, laughter and love are more effective than lectures, so I often cross my eyes and scrunch up my nose into a funny face while delivering my words in an exaggerated voice: “Ladies! We don’t choose our faces, but we do choose our actions!” As my princess team dissolves into giggles looking at my silly face, I slip in my much more serious request, “Now, get out there and show me some beautiful behavior!” They know quite well that this means I expect them to hold doors open, wait for elders to exit /enter first and to offer help with packages or bags. These expectations have been communicated not only through my own actions, but also through pointing out and praising the beautiful behavior of others.